I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
