Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
