How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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