She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
