My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
