umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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