At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
