In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
