Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
