my mouth tastes like poor choices
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
