Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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