That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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