Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
