someone threw a dead crab at me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
