Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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