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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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