get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
