hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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