You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
