the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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