You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
