Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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