no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize