btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My penis needs a shock collar
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
