my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
