New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize