good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
