i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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