Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
