It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
