The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
