so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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