if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
