So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
