I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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