Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I did not marry a roomba.
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