Define "chronic" masturbator.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
