Got a toothbrush?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
