Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
