thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
