dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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