The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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