So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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