Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
