U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
