I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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