Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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