someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
