You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
