ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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