MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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