covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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