I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
