I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
