Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
