We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
