apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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