I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
