I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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