I hate all girls vehemently.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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