Ambien. No doubt about it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
