Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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