i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize